I’m not sure how to answer that question. The one that I get so often from others. What’s the question? Here it is- “Do you need
help?”
Now, let’s go ahead and pause for a second. The very fact that you are asking me that
question probably implies that there is something about what I am doing that is
indicating that I NEED HELP. However,
asking the question implies in some way I am not capable of doing what I am
doing. Which is probably true. But
somehow difficult to admit.
Let me give you an example.
Take this past week, my husband was virtually out of town . My days were filled with driving my summer
infused children to random events and play dates in the blistering heat and
enjoying the literal 24hr days with all five children. Again, let’s pause to embrace all the joy and
pleasure that I have experienced in the past week. Take it all in. You with me?
Now, it’s Saturday afternoon and my children and I are
loading up the car with food and swimming gear for 6 people. We are off to attend a going away barbeque for
family friends. Upon arrival we unload
the car, children, food, swimming gear, etc and walk into the backyard. In addition, upon request of the host, we
have brought our 6 foot pop-up canopy.
You know the kind you use for soccer games and swim meets? The kind that fits nicely in that bag with the wheels so you can roll the elephant weighing contraption. Oh wait, if you get it on sale like I did, you too can have one like mine. NO WHEELS.
Let’s fast forward to the end of the party. I’ll leave out the part of trying to feed
the smaller children while at a pool party (think plates blowing in the pool,
eating soggy chips, etc.) I will also not mention the fact that I was the ONLY
person over 12 years old in the pool.
Have you ever tried to keep a 3 and 1 yr old out of the pool at a
backyard pool party in Phoenix in June?
It’s not worth it. And it won’t take you long to imagine the engaging
and meaningful adult conversations that took place in my life during the two hours we were there. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed the pool with my children and noticed the longing look of other mothers who no longer needed to be in the glistening cool water with their children. Bless you for enduring the heat on the sidelines.
But, let’s not talk about that. Let’s fast forward to the end, when it’s time
to pack up. You know that moment when it’s
time to get everyone moving in the same
direction at the same time because it’s time to go. Now. I
had my 1yr old entertained with a ball on the grass while my 12 yr old and I
try and tear down the canopy (which is nearly a foot taller than we are and
weighs almost the same amount) and pack up all the stuff. I’m keeping a smile on my face as I watch all
the other “big” people enjoy “big” people conversations and “big girl” outfits
(need I remind you I’m in my bathing suit).
Then, comes the dreaded question from well meaning friends, “Do you need help?” And in
that moment I am startled and overwhelmed and quite honestly surprised that
this whole endeavor (from the beginning until this exact moment) has not caused
you to rush over and give me a hand because I clearly feel in over my
head.
“Do I need help?” Are you kidding, yes! But if answering
that means somehow admitting that I am not capable of handling my full time job
of taking care of my children, then I’m not sure how to answer. And if saying yes, plays that recording over
in my mind again that I am failing at the job that is most important to
me. Then this stubborn girl is gonna say
“no.”
But if you ask me something specific- now I’m your “yes”
girl. Can you grab the bowl of grapes my
daughter is about to spill- “yes.” Help
me get shoes on my son- “yes.” Carry my
bag of wet towel so I can hold my daughter’s hand across the street to the car-
“yes.”
I am getting better at asking for help. I asked a friend to help me get the canopy from
the car and he helped me set it up. And
I tell you what, after I had gotten it down, he came over and just asked if he
could load it back to the car. Yes sir, thank you very much.
To all those asking if we need help. Let your question imply the answer. Yes.
Offer a way to help and I’ll probably take you up on it. I don’t need you to add to my insecurity by
telling me my daughter’s shoe lace is untied or that my son has shoved too many
grapes in his mouth. Just help me. Ask
permission and go for it. Trust me, I need help. So maybe your question can be more like a fill
in the blank. Instead of asking if I
need help, ask me “Can I help you ____________?” and then get ready to rock and
roll.
And as for me. I’ll
be faster at saying yes. And realizing
that it’s okay to say (out loud) that I need help. See, I just said it. I need help.
